He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
