I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She told me I should be a condom model.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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