If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
