OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
