Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
