Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
