I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The ass gains better be worth it
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