Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
