Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
