your thong is hanging out like whoa
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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