phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
