That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
