Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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