Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
