THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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