who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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