Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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