So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
