she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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