Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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