I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
