Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
