i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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