That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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