Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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