im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
