you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
