My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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