If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk is a universal language darling
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
