mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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