Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
