I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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