This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
