when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
