I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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