i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
