From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
