Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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