my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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