Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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