So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
