I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
