I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
