Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
