I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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