Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
