Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
