it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
