Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
