Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
