they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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