He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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