my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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