Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
