I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
