Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
