I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
