someone threw a dead crab at me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
