I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I will be naked everywhere
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
